The Football Fans’ Guide To #Twitter

(Originally posted December 15th 2013)

When Social Networking site Twitter launched into 2006, nobody could expect the Worldwide phenomenon it would turn into. Here we are in latter 2013 dominated by a world of Hashtags, Retweets and socially acceptable following of strangers. Here’s your guide, as a Football fan, on how to survive Twitter with 10 easy steps.

Step One: Never, in any circumstances, express an opinion, whether that be on your own club, or a different one, whatever your opinion is, you’re wrong. Is James Milner a good footballer? Are Arsenal genuine title challengers? Messi or Ronaldo? Doesn’t matter what you think. you’re wrong. For everyone thinking Rooney is England’s best striker, they’ll be someone out there who would prefer Defoe leading the line. Seriously.

Step Two: Make sure you know everything about The Bundesliga. Seriously, this is the best league in the world, apparently. Tickets cost 5p, the atmosphere resembles a rock concert more than a football match and it’s incredibly unpredictable (if you ignore the fact Bayern Munich are 41 games unbeaten). Make sure you have a favourite team from that division that aren’t Bayern as well, makes you appear more knowledgeable. Most popular are Borussia Dortmund (going out of fashion now though as they’re quite good all of a sudden), Schalke 04 and Frankfurt.

Step Three: Ensure you’re all clued up on how fantastic the English Southampton players are. Adam Lallana, James Ward-Prowse, Luke Shaw, Nathaniel Clyne, Jay Rodriguez and of course Rickie Lambert. Trust me, they’re brilliant. All of them. It’s a disgrace Kelvin Davies isn’t England’s number 1.

Step Four: A tip for all you wannabe bloggers now. If you’re watching a live game, on the Television or at the Stadium, more effective with a Televised game; if you want to describe what’s going on never include detail. “What a goal” or “Great cross that” will suffice. Remember: no detail is important because everyone’s watching the same game as you, no-one’s relying on your Twitter feed while they’re shopping and also, why focus on the screen when you’ve got live bloggers in your hands?

Step Five: Learn what a false nine is. Vital importance this one during the International break. Always inform others around you and on the Twittersphere that Spain are playing with a false nine.

Step Six: Staying with the Spain flavour, show off your incredible knowledge by claiming that 4 time Ballon d’Or winner Lionel Messi is not Barcelona’s best player, it is in fact Sergio Busquets who makes the Catalan Giants one of the best teams in the world.

Step Seven: Links to step one. LEIGHTON BAINES IS BETTER THAN ASHLEY COLE!!! Never say otherwise, the Twitterami will eat you alive if you say different.

Step Eight: Don’t actually be a Footballer, nothing good has ever come of you guys Tweeting, you only get yourselves into trouble. Concentrate on your job.

Step Nine: Learn the complicated “Overrated, Underrated process”. If a player is talked about too much = Overrated, not talked about enough = Underrated. There is zero middle ground, no player is ever described correctly. Players that cause most debate are Michael Carrick, Tom Cleverley, James Milner and Leon Osman.

and finally…

Step Ten: Never make a prediction, you will regret it. There you are, innocently Tweeting away, then suddenly 30 Minutes before kick off you go and post something like “Man City may have scored 6 against Spurs but there’s no way they’ll do it vs Arsenal”. No-one will pay attention at first, but come Full Time when The Citizens have won 6-3 and suddenly you’re getting Retweeted by hundreds laughing at you and your god awful prediction. One prediction you must never do is an England squad, even more dangerous, an England squad of 5 Years time as the Daily Mail cruelly found out.

Well, at least they got Walcott right...
Well, at least they got Walcott right…

There you have it, your definitive guide on how to survive Twitter as a Football Fan. If you want to follow me on this you can do so at @BenjaminWills18. My favourite German team is Braunschweig, by the way.

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